sorries

So I signed my papers on Tuesday.  That kind of sucked, not going to lie.  I wasn’t supposed to sign until Thursday, but you know how that goes.  I didn’t want it to “ruin” my off day on Wednesday, since I had plans Tuesday night.

And, ready for the shocker, it did.  I cried the whole day at work on Tuesday, but luckily the boy was a total ass and it 100% reminded me that this is the RIGHT choice.  I wasn’t crying because I “love” him or anything, I guess it’s just the finality of it.  He was my best friend.  Luckily, I am lucky and have SEVERAL besties, but it still sucks.  But such is life. <—note: Every time  I type “such is life” I ALWAYS managed to type “suck is life”; some sort of Freudian slip I suppose.

Anyway, you know I like to get off track, a lot.  So it’s done, well, officially in thirty days, but once my signature was notarized, that was official for me.

I’ve met some interesting new people as of late, and that’s pretty rocking.  I’m the shyest person in the universe (if you don’t believe me, think back to the first time we met.  I likely didn’t say anything and avoided eye contact) so that’s “new” for me.  I’ve been forcing myself since I don’t really have a crutch anymore.  I guess I was too dependant on the boy, and I definitely used him as my crutch.  I won’t be doing either one of those again. 

Sorry to those of you I’ve blown off recently.  I’ve been so up and down I don’t know from one minute to the next what I want to do or what I will do.  Matt: I totally have to edit your story! I may do that tonight, although I DO have to make my awesome book list tonight (have to in an OCD sense), maybe I can do both; Jamie: sorry I keep blowing you off, I really don’t mean to.  Jazz and Matthew are experts on my making “plans” and not following through.  It’s usually best to not expect anything then it’s an awesome surprise later! But it is really something I have to work on.  I have a total fear of commitment in certain areas.  I can have a “relationship”, but I don’t like to commit to plans, because I never know if I’ll be depressed or antisocial that day.  BUT I do need t start calling folks and letting them know, that is a definite flaw that I 100% acknowledge (along with others I won’t mention) and need to correct.  I guess it’s part of my see-saw of a journey. 

Oh, and a big sorries to Jonny Jay;) haha.

I lost my train of thought.  Work + texting + emailing + yaddayadda =distracting!

Oh, got it back, score! Remember that I have a SUPER heavy heart, even though I’m tough and all of that crap.  It takes only an iota to get me in le depressed mode.  So just a gentle lil nudge will do, at least for right now.

It all works out one way or the other.  I know this one isn’t very entertaining, but I promise to deliver later. 

Oh here’s a good ending note:  My sweet lil Oedipal kitten, Shadow, left me a shiny quarter in the shower this morning. haha. I love how he totes crap around in his mouth.  Usually I wake up covered in toys and bits of trash (i.e. gum wrappers–not actual trash, ha).  This was a pleasant lil change and set my day off to a good start.

Oh WAIT, I remembered an even better ending.  How can this be so, you ask?  Because it’s me!! SO I had contacted divorce court back in October because I didn’t think I’d be able to come up with money for the divorce.  I totally, forgot about it.  So I got contacted by them, and they are recording again in January and wanted us to come on. hahah. Too bad we just signed.  They’d pay both our airfares, hotels, and give us $570 a piece. haha. That sounds like a forking vacation to me! This is the second show I’ve gotten an offer to be on.  Dr. Phil offered it awhile back=score.  I’m a big wimp, so of course, I didn’t go.  But how is that for awesome?? Even the boy thought it was hilarious and would have gone to d. court. hahaha. score.

D-day

is coming soon.  I want to sound tough and say I’m super excited, but I know I’ll cry like a little girl the whole time.  At least we won’t both be there at the same time, so that will make a big difference.  But, not really much I can do about all of that. It’s just scary and uncertain right now.  I’m a control freak, and my paychecks still aren’t back to normal and we are having “federal audits” where we have to turn in our resumes.  I’m certain that means, “job cuts”.  But I can’t change that now either, can, I.  Oh well, such is life.

burt’s beeswax

So this is an email I sent to a friend earlier today, and I thought it was a fun, nearly perfect description of myself.  So if you were wondering or if you’d like to protest my findings, go ahead.  I enjoy a good debate, especially about myself.  It means you likely lead a sad life and have nothing better to do! Score! and that’s likely why we are friends.

Oh and apparently, there are a few rumors about that I’m crazy and have lost my mind.  UM isn’t that the whole impetus of this WHOLE blog.  Just checking, wasn’t sure, but I thought I made that clear from day one.  I guess the whole “journey” think threw a few folks off.  I mean, go ahead, keep giving me blog hits.  I think it’s AWESOME.  Score for the purple team! is all I have to say about that.

Digression.  It’s what I’m good at.  Here’s the email in response to, “you know you don’t always have to be the nice one.”  And as usual, if you’ve gotten an email from me, you know I am too lazy to capitalize.  And since this is totally a copy and paste, I’m not wasting my time capitalizing.  If you can’t figure out where the sentence begins and ends, that’s very stream-of-consciousness of you and I’m impressed with your skills.  I commend you, now go read Jonny Got His Gun.  I promise it won’t disappoint.  Now the feature presentation:

i’m nice and bipolar…and don’t forget borderline…personally…i like it…it’s like being Sybil (spelling?) BUT i remember everything and for the most part have control.  i say it’s an angel and demon on my shoulders.  totally unbalanced. one day one wins, the next the other, but never in unison, never in concurrence, never in agreement.  i might cuss you out, i might hug you, i might do both. you never know. i’m not predictable, i’m chaotic, and sometimes i’m lazy. it’s a good contrast i think. keeps things interesting. my friends are terrified when i go out. i might start a fight with someone. i might get provoked and not back down like most people do, or i might laugh it off. you NEVER know. keeps people on their toes.  99% of them don’t know I’m a big ole softy and would do anything for someone i care about or AnY animal. i’m  over compassionate over empathetic and too forgiving. but i’ve got a nice hard shell. and that’s all they need to know, unless i feel like filling them in on it.

i was thinking last night. i should be happy to be single. i get to be selfish for the first time in my LIFE for real. even as a child,  i felt the need to sacrifice, it’s my nature i guess.  I don’t have to wake up to the SAME person in my space every morning.  comfort and routine can be nice, but i hate it at the same time. another bipolar trait i guess. oh well. i’ve never tried to date a crazy, i’ve always said two crazies don’t make a sane…but maybe i was wrong there…might make it interesting…might be fun. it might end in prison time, might end in bliss.  personally i’m shooting for a total Micky and Mallory Knox deal.  <–I so just added that last part…in case I’m busted by the originator. 

 

Anyway, I’m not really sure what this is about other than I’m tired, yet I’m wide awake.  Not to be lame, but I’m a total walking contradiction.  I think it makes life more funnerist.  And yes, I said funnerist.  You should say it right now.  It not only sounds nice, but feels nice.  People will want to question you on it, but if you say it with confidence and follow it with a big word, you can likely pull it off.  If not, a karate chop to the head MIGHT do it.  Not sure.  It will be a total experiment and you’ll have to share the results so I can turn it into my professor and get credit. 

 

I don’t think I’m negative, I can be but it doesn’t define me.  I think I am irrational, but can be perfectly rational.  I think I’m as frugal as they come.  It might be my only steady trait, that, and being AWESOME.  That’s a good ending note.  Despite what you think, believe, or hear, just tell yourself I (as in Kristin, not yourself silly) am AWESOME.  And you have to really put the emphasis on AWESOME, or it won’t sound so awesome, and I’ll get angry and sad at the same time, and I promise you won’t like the violence that occurs. 

 

Farwell my ill-begotten friends!

 

And yes

I’ve got an ass-ton of grammatical errors in my posts.  But you must remember these are mostly written in a total manic state.  I can say it’s because I like raw, unedited writing (which, in truth, I do), but I honestly just don’t want to look back.  I should, to see the progress I’ve made mentally and emotionally.  Just don’t know if I’m ready for that.

So, for now, the grammar nazi in me shall sleep until I can fight the demons of the recent past.  As I’ve mentioned a kazillion times, if you don’t like it, you can suck it, or not read my blog:o)

My first wreck??

So I’ve had some random funnies as of late.  I might go to hell for thinking it’s funny, but considering no one really got hurt, then it’s okay, right?

I may lose some friends over this one, but my TRUE friends know what an asshole I am, and can appreciate the humor in it.  hahaha.

So my hottie insurance agent is going through a similar divorce situation.  So when I called him a few weeks ago to talk about making insurance changes, he said I should come up there sometime and see him (he lives in Madison or something).  I was like SCORE, but knew I wouldn’t have the balls to do it, but it was a nice stroke of the ego.

First off, he’s going to be highly disappointed.  He’s never met me, but we’ve had several conversations over the years.  On the website (you know I had to look to see what I’m dealing with, voices can be deceiving!) he looks like a little hottie republican football player.  So this makes me laugh.  I’m thinking, okay, here’s this nice, good looking straight edge guy, and here I am, a beer guzzling-cussing-tattooed-pixie hair cut-outspoken sailor.  haha.  This should be interesting.  So I think nothing of it and forget about it.

Well, I call him yesterday to set a date to take the boy off my insurance and to ask about making a claim on my MAC that got struck by lightning. Well, he told me to take it to the apple store to get an affidavit stating it was struck by lightning.  I said, “SCORE! I’ve got something to do now”.  He says something to the effect of, “now I have a hard time believing a single lady in Birmingham has a hard time finding something to do”.  haha.  So he said he’d come to Birmingham sometime and give me a call (I said another SCORE but not out loud of course, haha).  So I’m all excited and bragging about it at work, even though I’m certain he will be highly disappointed, unless it’s like high school where all the jocks and such want to date the “weird chick”.  I dunno.

So anyway, it’s Friday, I’m jolly, got my ego stroked, and driving home from work.  I’m downtown and I’ve got a green light.  There are cars parked to my right and I’m turning right.  I don’t see anyone trying to cross, so I gun it so I can make the green light.  As I’m coming to the curb I about shat myself.  I almost had my FIRST wreck.  And no, it couldn’t be any ole fender bender.  I almost killed a retard (I know it’s an insensitive word, but it makes for a better story).  A retard in a car you ask? No! in a hover-round of some sort!!! I can see the panic on his face.  I slam on the brakes, as does he, (I’m certain he tried to throw it in reverse) and everyone looks at ME like I’m the asshole! I’m all WTF! I’ve got a green light; he’s not supposed to be jay-walking downtown! Of course, foot in mouth, I immediately recant with, “jay-rolling”?.  ahhahahaha.  I know that’s mean as shit, but can you picture that?? I’d have to call up my hottie insurance agent and be like, “um…I need to make a claim.  I just had my first wreck.” “Okay, what happened?”  “I killed a retard in a hover-round”. hahahahha.  Do you think he’d still want to take me out for drinks after that one?? And on the SAME day he “asks” me out?! bahahahah.  So of course, I have to call my friends, but only the asshole ones that won’t lecture me.  And then I confirm that yes, I and they will be going to hell.

So, in other randoms, I go to the doc to get a blood test done and to get some meds for my hives (score for stress!) and allergies.  The boy happened to be there when I got there.  He had the flu.  So I go get my test and all of that crap done and the doc always gives a “recommendation sheet” on how “to get better”.  It always reads something to the effect of, “exercise, diet, vitamins”, yadda yadda.  Well, I get mine (keep in mind the cussing like a sailor as aforementioned and as of late my favorite word is douche, so I likely said that about 100 times) and it starts off with the usual.  Then right smack in the middle, very inconspicuous-like it says, “join a good church and pray regularly”. hahahahahaha.  I did a double take.  Surely, a doctor didn’t write this!! So I go home to the apartment, and Clint is there getting a few things.  I asked to see his “recommendation sheet” and he has the usual, “vitamins”, etc, etc. But nothing about going to church or praying. ahhahaha.  So apparently I touched a nerve with the ole doc.  I mean hell, he’s the one that wanted to look at my boobs to see if I had hives there too.  Of course he called a “female” nurse in, but come on, hives are hives, aren’t they the same everywhere?

So this is DEFINITELY going on the refrigerator, if not getting framed!

So apparently, in conclusion, I’m going to hell for various reasons, BUT if I join a church and pray A LOT, I might have a shot.  Another SCORE for me!!

Tags

This is my “tag cloud”.  I should lie and say it’s some deep philosophical poem, but it’s not, although, if you look hard enough there are some oh so clever words teemed together.

 

bitching blog boys bullshit cheating clever creative depression down dreams dunno empathy friend fuck help hits hospitalization jesus jodi picoult karma kiss kitten kittens kittens with mittens kitties lies love me old partial perpetual poetry random rant read score smell soul stupid sue grafton teeth thoughts thumbies up you

Kristin, are you ok?

First off, what are my options here?  I’m guessing,  I have no other options than to say, obediently, “Yes.” 

I think if people really knew the thoughts that went through my head on a daily basis they would be frightened have no clue how to address it.  Hell, I frighten myself most of the time.  But I guess that’s the price you pay for being a borderline genius! ha.

I wish someone would quit acting like a little school girl and take responsibility for his actions.  It’s quite simple, repeat after me, “I screwed up.”  See, it’s easy?

I’m just so ready to move home, but my financial situation sucks a big one.  Keep your fingers crossed and maybe I’ll get hit by a brinks truck..but only break my foot.  Then they’ll have to give me all the money in their armored car.  Yay for kittens!

Yeah this is totally random..just think I’m being a little bipolar right now.  I’m down and I’m up.  I just don’t know how I got bamboozled into this.  I should be teaching at the college, like I dreamt of.  I should be happy in a big pile of books and have a head full of knowledge (we’ll more knowledge, I’m full of useless, but fun facts!).

I can’t wait to get a new freaking car.  Ole blue has been good to me, but I think it’s time for her to retire.  I’ve had her 10 years and she’s 16, she’s had a good run.

I still need to sell a bunch of crap so hit me up.  I’ve got a $5k engagement ring, a $1k wedding ring, a wedding dress (size 10), a WII fit, a red women’s huffy bike (has flat tires and I don’t have a pump) and tons of other crap. 

The boy has until the day we sign the papers to get his crap out (except the things he’s letting me borrow) or it’s mine and I will sell it because I’m awesome and poor like that.  He should be thankful.  I could totally run him through the..whatever that’s called, but I won’t.  <–Ringer, that’s it. 

Yeah, but I won’t.  I know I’m too nice and it’s how I ended up in this mess in the first place.

But in all truthfulness he used to be the perfect husband, and that’s what sucks so much.  It’s not like he was an ass the whole time and I just never saw it. He was really good to me, then somewhere along the line he became jaded because he dropped out of law school and had massive debt.  Then I got him the job at the funeral home (so this makes me partial to blame) and he met her, and then his whole demeanor changed.  It’s like he is doing drugs now.  He completely quit talking to his friends, his family, and me.  He isolated himself from the world except for her.  She is the only thing important in his life anymore.  I believe it’s because he’s ashamed of what he has done. 

But oh well, not my problem.  Soon, very soon, my blogs will be about shitty drivers and shitty dates and not the boy.

But until then, you all can suck it, or not read it.

 

Kittens!

I wish

I could get this self-doubt out of my head.  It’s hard when you meet the mistress, and find out she’s not that bad of a person.  I mean, yeah, what she did was totally crappy and ruthless, but all she was doing was following her heart.  She’s in love, much as I was.  He is the villan here.  I should feel nothing but disdain.  That’s why I want this finalized, as quickly as possible.  When I do, I know I won’t look back.

It’s sad, he’s done nothing but lie and manipulate, and yet, I give a damn.  I guess it’s just my nature.  I hope and hope that I can fix things, or maybe it’s just the comfort.  Knowing that someone will be there when I get home, knowing someone will do the things I hate (i.e. going to Walmart, pumping gas).  Having the comfort of someone next to you when you wake in the middle of the night to a loud sound, even though you know a hurricane wouldn’t wake him.  Hell, half the time he didn’t even sleep in the same room as I.  But he would have been the first target, and now I don’t even have that:o) haha.

I’m up and down right now, but it’s mostly up.  I have the greatest friends in the world.  They keep me happy, entertained, and distracted.

I’m so not looking forward to the “dating scene”.  I’m so freaking impatient.  I don’t want to deal with the drama or the annoyance of getting to know someone knew.  I wish it was more like that movie THX 1138 where I’m assigned my mate.  Augh, I don’t want to sit and pretend that your boring stories are entertaining.  I don’t want to hear about your stupid hobbies.  Maybe that’s why I really like the idea of soul mates.  We are pre-sorted and just have to look hard enough to find that other half that makes us a complete circle.  Oh Plato, how I wish you were right, but I guess considering your theory came from a mythical god, I guess I should have seen it coming.  It’s just easier that way.  Some things fit, somethings don’t.  Plain and simple.

I just want my beer, my books, my kitties, and a lot of good laughs.  Cheating douche bags or douche-like-byproducts need not apply.  Also, I don’t really care for lying, so if you do that a lot, and I don’t mean simple white lies, but totally making shit up, I’d prefer if you left me alone as well.  I’ll totally call you out too; I’m a bitch like that.  Just ask anyone.  So hell, I guess the real question, is it worth it to you? I’m very crass and rude.  If you can’t handle that, it’s quite simple, don’t.  And don’t pull this bullshit where you everything is cool and kosher until a skinnier, older version of me comes along, because she doesn’t know your deep dark secrets like I do.  But alas, it will all come out.  Your cracks will start to show, and your personality will lose its shimmer.  Let’s just see if your voodoo works on her like it did with me. 

I actually feel bad for her (minus the calling the funeral home and pretending to be, no worries, again, karma’s got that one).  She seems genuinely head over heals, and he’s really just looking for someone to take care of him and help him with his spending habits.   Hell, he claims he’s been unhappy since the first day we got married.  Really? That’s either total bullshit, or you are a damn good liar.  And I know you didn’t become a good liar until recent.

I can tell you one thing, I will NEVER EVER get married again, and that’s a promise, you can quote me on that.  If for some reason I ever change my mind, you can personally punch me in the face, and I won’t even defend myself.

It’s frustrating to know he’s playing the innocent one and telling everyone I’m crazy, which may be the truth, but everyone already knew that, and it’s definitely not a good excuse to have an affair.  Personally, if I’m around a crazy person that I loathe, I usually end the friendship or relationship STAT.  I don’t want to sit around and see if I’m going to get stabbed in the middle of the night or have some voodoo curse placed on me.  Oh yeah, I do have a voodoo doll, but that’s just bad karma.

I hate when people try to validate their mistakes.  Why not just say, I screwed up, I was selfish and only thought of myself.  I just don’t understand; I pretty much have a no bullshit approach to life and everything in general, so don’t I deserve the same courtesies?

I mean really, you couldn’t even tell your friends and family that you left me and have been  living with your mistress for a couple of weeks? Are you stupid? Were you just going to continue stating that “Kristin is sick; we are working on it, blah, blah, blah” and keep making up erroneous lies? I mean, it works for a bit and all, but it will all come to light.

I can’t decide if you just got in over your head, or if you are really “in love” or if it’s something totally different all together.  I just can’t wait until you are out of my mind.

Well, the best part is for once I can be selfish and do the things I want to do and buy the things I want instead of constantly placating your needs and desires. 

It’s amazing how clean the house is.  All this time, I thought I was dysfunctional and just wasn’t capable of keeping a clean house, when it’s actually because you are a hoarding, collecting, messy slob.

The kitties are suffering.  They are so empathetic to feelings and emotions.  Apparently a couple of people came over to my house while  I was gone this weekend.  They left behind some clues: pictures of me flipped down, toilet seat up (four years of leaving it down seems unusual to start leaving it up now, doesn’t it?).  The cats are 100% freaked out about something that took place.  They’ve been fighting nonstop and keeping their tails all puffed up.

But whatever.  I can’t even remember what this rant/blog is about, nor do I really care.  I’ve become sloppy and lazy with my blog.  I was posting with fervor, but I just don’t have it in me right now.

I guess in essence I am annoyed and irritated at this disruption in my life.  I can promise you a boy (unless it’s of the feline persuasion) will never get me that upset or wrapped up in emotion ever again.  It is 100% not worth it.  I don’t care if I’m alone forever, I won’t fall for it.

So jot that down in your little shiny notebook.  If you fuck me over, I will fuck you over.  One way or another.  I’m very calm and laid back, but it’s generally not a good idea to piss me off. 

There, now you can’t say I haven’t forwarned you.

OH and by the way, did it ever occur to you that I’m so freaking depressed because you are an uncaring, spoiled, selfish, ingrate?  It’s interesting how much happier I am with out you.  I mean it sucks for obvious reasons, but I know I’ll be okay, in fact better than I was with you.

the end.

1k

Unfortunately I have nothing clever to say today.  I’m almost at 1000 hits.  Score for me.

One of my cats keeps farting and it smells real bad.  Just think on that until I come up with something new!

6 more hits

So I still don’t know if people love this blog or hate it.  You fuckers (sorry mom) need to use the thumbies! maybe it’s because they aren’t called thumbies, but you know what I mean, and it’s much cuter than whatever lame-ass name they really have.

So right now I feel like a loose tooth that’s just barely hanging on by a little piece of pulp.  My niece had a loose tooth and she wanted it pulled and no one would do it for her.  I pulled and pulled, but just couldn’t get a good grip on it (I’m starting to get the ole arthritis in my hands, yes, I’m becoming an old, old lady).  Anyway, she kept wiggling and wiggling it for days, but the damned thing wouldn’t come out.  It got to the point it was just dangling.  She didn’t have the guts (I’ll refrain from using the word balls here since my niece is fairly young) to pull it.  I wasn’t around this time, and someone, I think it was just some random person at the school, pulled it out with the slightest effort.

So for some reason, I was thinking about that tonight.  What exactly am I hanging on for? and why don’t I have the balls (see the difference in context, age-wise here?) to just pull my damn tooth and move on.  Am I too chicken shit?  Am I going to rely on someone I trust (like my niece trusted me) to do it for me, or am I going to let some stranger do it?

I think it’s time to grow a pair.  I guess when someone says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” that should be enough to just pack your shit and move.  But not for me, I’ve always got that little twinge of hope, of faith, that I’m making the wrong decision, and if I pull it too soon, my new tooth might grow back crooked.  But if I just leave it dangling, I might choke on it in my sleep.  Or swallow it with my dinner.

Which brings me to another random thought.  One of my biggest fears is losing my teeth.  I mean I chronically have dreams that my teeth are falling out.  Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s more than one.  Is this symbolic of something?  Have I made some sort of revelation-like connection here?  Likely not, I’m probably just grinding my damn teeth in my sleep.  It’s why I constantly wake up with fucking headaches, that, and stress.

So I think it’s time to pull the damn tooth, but alas, I’m too scared.  I’m certain someone is doing exactly what I asked him not to do, and what caused the damned loose tooth anyway.  So maybe it’s time to move on.  To quit putting myself in a situation where my tooth can be loosened, where my soul can be so damaged by little words and white lies.

Or maybe I just need to grow a pair and quit being so damned empathetic and sympathetic: two of my greatest flaws, although it keeps me in constant need to help others, it doesn’t allow me to help myself.

One of my friends said once, “Kristin, so who or what are we saving today?”  I just laughed, but today, I’m going to answer with: MYSELF.